The Fourth Trimester - Prenatal Discussion

Last week in prenatal yoga, Susie was talking about the fourth trimester and how our government only gives us 6 weeks (vaginal birth) or 8 weeks (c-section) to recover, and 12 weeks unpaid FMLA maternity leave (if your company is large enough).  It was an interesting topic and I wished we had more time to discuss it, so I thought I'd post about it here so you could share your experiences/thoughts with all of us.

There is a great website of photos and information called the 4th Trimester Bodies Project that I love and many great articles/books that mention the 4th trimester (after birth).  One of my favorites is Ina May's Guide to Childbirth which doesn't just stop at birth, but goes on to talk about the 4th trimester.  I LOVED reading this book when I was pregnant, it gave me peace and taught me that women have been giving birth for hundreds of years, naturally, and that I could do it too.

I had a natural birth, in a hospital, but I'm not sure I would do it again.  I guess we'll see where it goes.  Just because it was natural, doesn't mean it was easy - I was in labor for 36 hours (12 at home) and then wouldn't stop hemorrhaging, so had to lay there forever and get a shot to stop the bleeding.  I also had a terrible time nursing my babe.  I went to La Leche League meeting and they said everything was fine, then hired a consultant, Zabrina, to come to my house and only after she left did I have the confidence to keep trying.  3 years later I was still intermittently breastfeeding my girl, and I was so proud of my accomplishments, but man oh man was it a struggle!  (I used hypno-birthing techniques that I learned from Love and Light Birthings classes during birth, and I would totally recommend this technique.)  (You can also read my birth story and about my nursing struggles, on my blog.)  I share these only because I feel that 6 weeks off, unpaid, and 12 weeks off FMLA (also unpaid) is just not enough time to figure it all out.  In Canada, Australia and many other countries they have a year off, paid.  A year!  What a blessing.

Minutes after birth.

No one tells you these things.  No one tells you this, on top of the fact that you'll get 12 weeks off of work, then your husband may be able to also take some time off too and then what?  You're paying a paycheck to a daycare facility or nanny until your babe is 5 years old.  It's bananas!  Why are we so backwards in America?  I truly believe there will come a time when we'll move to giving new mamas a year off, paid somehow, and my kiddos will be all grown up by then.  Ugh.

So, what happens next?  Not only was your birth exhausting and in some ways scarring both mentally and physically, but now you are in your new role and are more exhausted then you have been in your entire life.  Now what?  Do you have family watch your babe, stay home, hire a nanny, pay for daycare - what?  In our family, we did a little bit of all of it for the first year.  I went back to work when Lemon was almost 5 months, then my husband took time off and then we had a friend watch her some days, my mom other days and a daycare for infants one/two days a week as well.  I had a backpack for each place and it was a lot of work, shuffling her back and forth and creating a calendar of when she could go where.  Then, the next year, we found a nanny, who ended up only staying with us for 6 months, and after that we found Brittany, our friend and nanny who we have now and who has been with us for over 2 years.  And next year, Lemon goes to preschool which also costs money, and we will have another baby to find childcare for - the struggle begins again.

My first day back to work after maternity leave, tears in my eyes.

People say "it will work out" but when you are pregnant and in the thick of it, it doesn't seem like it's going to.  How will I find child care?  Who is going to pay for this?  You are constantly doing the math in your head to see what will work out for your family, weighing that against the cost of insurance (another amount no one tells you about!) and all the while just wanting to stay home and snuggle your newborn babe.  Not to mention your hair is breaking off, you're leaking in places you never thought possible and your baby is just not sleeping.  The fourth trimester, the one no one talks about but the one everyone needs the most support in.

I myself was super prepared for birth, lunged my way through contractions and felt like I knew what to expect and advocated for myself in what I wanted even at the hospital.  But I will constantly say that I was not prepare for the after birth, and that's where I actually leaned on social media for help and found other mamas who were experiencing it right along with me.  It was such a blessing to me and I still have many of those friends today (almost 4 years later and who are having second babies too)!

Let's support each other, let's share in our experiences.  Instead of giving advice or criticizing, let's lift each other up and just say "you're doing a great job mama."  Sometimes that's all you need to get you through the day.

So my advice for coping with the 4th trimester?  Find other mamas to lean on and lift you up.  Find them online, find them in your prenatal yoga class, find them in your group of friends - just find them.  Don't be friends just because you are mamas, be friends because you share this commonality in feeling like you have no idea what you are doing, and hopefully find other things you have in common too.  Have your husbands also lean on each other, take each other out, buy a beer and talk about dad stuff, or how crazy it is to be a dad - dads need that time too.

I invite you to share your experiences here, in the comments, or talk about what your plans are after birth during the fourth trimester.  Connect, share and come together here, we are all in this together.  (Or, you can be a guest contributor and email me your story at desertsongsocial@gmail.com.)

Even while pregnant, as a new mom or one that has an older child - let me just tell you, you are doing a great job mama!

A 4 month old Lemon at our last Mommy & Me class with Peri at Desert Song!

Update 2/4:

Ran across this blog post today and loved it, worth a read whether you are having your first or your second (or third or fourth)!  :)